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Chilly Weather Reports
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It was so cold...
I needed a hammer and chisel to get at the little pockets of brown sugar down in my porridge.
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It was so cold...
every kind of cereal in the cupboard was frosted - including the boxes!
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It was so cold...
when the cops ordered someone to "freeze", they had to thaw them out later back at the lock-up.
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It was so cold...
the wanted posters down at the police station all looked the same - everyone was wearing a balaclava. (Half the town got arrested, and it was Spring before the innocent ones were finally identified and released.)
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It was so cold...
people getting their passport photos taken wouldn't take their balaclavas off, either. All winter long there was chaos at the airports and border crossings.
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It was so cold...
prisoners wouldn't take off their mitts when they were arrested. Their finger print charts were just big mitten smudges.
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It was so cold...
I had to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
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It was so cold...
e-mail was almost useless. It's hard to understand a message when it's typed while wearing three pairs of heavy woolen mittens.
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It was so cold...
the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
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It was so cold...
thanks to those thick scarves wrapped around our heads, we had to learn a new language - mumbling!
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It was so cold...
my nasal passages were so frozen up that when I sneezed - my eyes popped out onto the snow! It took me over two hours to find them - I couldn't see!
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It was so cold...
we needed the wallpaper steamer to get undressed.
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It was so cold...
Mom had to switch our little brother over to 5W baby oil.
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It was so cold...
my silly putty turned into serious putty.
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It was so cold...
the doctor thought I had shotgun wounds - until I told him I'd just been standing in front of Dad when he sneezed and blew the shards of ice off his moustache.
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It was so cold...
the punks with spiked hair were getting arrested for wearing dangerous weapons.
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It was so cold...
helmets were unnecessary. We'd just dunk our heads in water, step outside, and voila - an instant shell of protection!
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It was so cold...
that rather than drive me to school, Mom decided I didn't need an education.
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It was so cold...
when I yelled "hike" to my dog team, they barked back the dog version of "stuff it"!
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It was so cold...
the snow finally covered the house, and guess what? You CAN get into a house down the chimney - if you really have to.
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It was so cold...
Mom threw out her vacuum. She just ran Dad's snow blower over the carpet a couple of times a week.
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It was so cold...
people were waking up the bears and offering them honey popsicles if they'd share their hibernation secrets.
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It was so cold...
arguments became commonplace. The town was quickly filling up with stubborn people - everyone that stepped outside suddenly became "hard-headed". What a bunch of block-heads!
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It was so cold...
hairdressers were getting better results using snow-sculpting techniques.
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It was so cold...
that although Santa had a little round belly, it no longer shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
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